In a previous post I hit upon the fact writing things down works for me mentally. Some people prefer to open up to others. Some go for walks. Some just bottle it up, I don’t suggest this one though. I like to write things down. These health/life posts may repeat themselves or I may repeat myself in the very same post but the reason for that is I don’t edit or mull over these types of post. I write it off the cuff when the mood hits me and just publish it warts and all. So apologies if I repeat something i’ve said in previous posts.
As I also mentioned in that post I lost my best friend in April last year. He was the person i’d talk to, rant and rave about things that were mentally draining in hospital, just general life crap too. He was open with me and we’d often have the same things to moan about so it was good to have someone in the same position that understood exactly what we were going through. We both helped each other immensely. I could really do with his help now. It’s times like this I really miss him when mentally things are getting on top of me.
It also would have been his 30th birthday a few months ago. I was in hospital at the time. Thinking of him. What could have been had he got his new lungs in time. I bought myself a small bottle of whiskey to raise a glass to him that night.
That was my previous admission. I’m back in now just after Christmas. Thankfully I was ok before Christmas and was able to spend the holidays at home. There’s quite a lot of changes on the ward now. Without going in to details it’s incredibly draining with the upheaval. Many patients won’t see much difference or frankly won’t care but I definitely see the changes and they aren’t for the better.
I try and be as little a burden as possible in hospital. The staff know me well. I tend to moan a lot when i’m in. The problem is I don’t like a lot of changes with my health routine. Even slight changes can set me off. Many people will think i’m being ridiculous and I probably am but I just don’t like the ever growing changes my deteriorating condition brings with it. The staff are often amazing. They do go the extra mile for us. I try to do as much of my own stuff myself so they don’t have to. I try not to cause problems that will have them doing more work. That’s where the problems come in sometimes.
My best friend and I would often be in together. We’d phone or text each other from down the hall and have a little moan and get it out of our systems. Offering each other advice or helping one of us see if that problem at that time is a battle we should be fighting or ignoring. The last few years we had a lot of phone calls that were pretty much half an hour to an hour of moaning from one or the other but we always felt much better after it. Now to not have that outlet it’s eating me up. I feel like sometimes i’m one disagreement away from a full on breakdown.
As i’m pretty sure i’ve stated before, this blog was never intended to be about my health. I thought I may have written the odd little post here and there scattered amongst the film/games posts. But then I never envisioned losing my best friend. I always hoped he’d get the call for his new lungs. Obviously death was always in the back of our minds daily.
We used to joke about whether we’d be alive to see certain films or play certain games that were yet to be released. One that sticks out in my mind is when him and I were at the cinema seeing either Avengers or Avengers: Age of Ultron. We laughed about how many more films were in the pipeline and the fact they were building up to what became Avengers: Infinity War and Avengers: Endgame. In a cruel twist of fate he died on the day Avengers: Infinity War was released. I went to the cinema on my own a week or 2 later as I didn’t want to see it with anyone else. I was still a patient on the ward, yes I was there when he died, and I went down the street to the cinema early one morning when I knew it wouldn’t be busy. Every time I watch that film now I think of him. Every time I see pictures or snippets from Avengers: Endgame I think of him. It’s a silly thing to think of but that memory always stuck out of us in the cinema watching one of the first 2 Avengers films. I don’t know why because we pretty much joked about dying every single day. People in our position tend to have a morbid sense of humour.
Anyway, as I was saying, this blog wasn’t intended to be such heavy reading. I never thought or still think anyone will ever read it. It’s just somewhere I like to come to write my thoughts on whatever topic i’m thinking of at the time. Partially to better my writing too. I can read a previous post months down the line and correct whatever doesn’t work grammatically. But these health posts I don’t like to re-read again. Well, I haven’t read a previous health post yet. Not sure I want to either. Also, I wanted to create this blog simply for my son. If the worst happens to me when he’s still young he can read this blog in the future and maybe get a little idea of my life and personality.
Ok, this post has gone on long enough. I seemed to go off on tangents at times I think. Maybe, maybe not. Who cares.